Tuesday, December 6, 2016

All Along He Had Me

Today is special in a way. Today is a day that I get to sit back and see how God was always in control, how He always had my best interest at heart, and how He always had me firmly placed in His hands.

One year ago today I was almost certain God had finally answered our prayers and was blessing us with a baby- a baby girl. This "opportunity" wasn't though my agency, it was through an old high school friend. A young woman she knew in her home town (not far from where I live) was about to deliver any day. This young woman was not in a place where you can raise a child. She would be forced by the law to give the child up upon delivery, and, from what I understood, was happy to do so. In just days after the first contact with a family member, we received another call- the baby girl had been born. My husband and I were nervous but very excited. While we began talking about baby girl names and joking about all the pink that was coming our way, our adoption agency was busy trying to make contact with the family and processes the legal transactions quickly and painless...

and then...


Not a single word from the family for days, maybe a week, its hard now to remember how long, I just remember it felt like an eternity. I held onto hope praying in the meantime that God would keep that baby girl safe, wherever she was.

That brings me to today. Tonight the school I work for will have a celebration called Lessons and Carols. Its an annual Christmas concert for the students, their families, and the faculty. It was on this night one year ago, right after I came home from the concert, that I would received the news- the young woman's mother, the baby girl's grandmother, had decided to raise the child. My husband was out of town for work, so I sank, alone into a very sad place. I cried hard for hours until I finally feel asleep. I called into work the next day. I did not want to get out of bed. I did not understand. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND. I was so lost. I felt so forgotten by God.

Little did I know. Little did I see. He had me. All along He had me. At this time our baby boy, OUR BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY was just two months away from coming into this world. At this time his birthmother began the process of looking for a family for her unborn child. At this time she was caring for him in a way I would never be able, so that I could return the grace and with so much gratitude care for him in a way she couldn't. At this time LOVE was making us all a family.

At this time I was already a mother. 

So today I celebrate God's faithfulness. He promises to never leave us, He promises to give us the desires of our hearts, and He promises if His answer is no, that HE IS ENOUGH until we understand why. I know this to be true. It's true for me, and it's true for you. Praise Jesus.

I Am So, So Angry

Forgive me, I am heartbroken. I am nauseous. Dumbfounded. When I was a little girl, my mom worked for the public school system. Some d...