Sunday, August 28, 2016

NOW I Get It

It's 4 o'clock on a Sunday afternoon and my 6 month old son Ezekiel is peacefully napping.

I have a son.

He's 6 months old.

How did I get here?

Today in church our pastor Tim reminded us that God is very clear about His desire to supply all of our needs. Tim made sure we understood that needs are different than wants. God understands what we need is more important than what we want. He gets us better than we get ourselves.

This got me thinking... Did I need Ezekiel as much as I wanted him?

I remember when my husband and I first decided it was time to throw the birth control away. I remember how badly I wanted to get pregnant that first month, and the next, and the next. I remember how confused and angry I was every time I saw a single pink line. Then months turned into years and confusion and anger turned into a nasty broken heart and bitterness. I numbed the pain with work and wine until one day I decided I would take my infertility into my own hands and my husband and I began treatment. I say it this way, "my own hands," not because I don't believe in fertility treatment, but because I can admit now that I wasn't talking to God about fertility treatments with an open heart and open ears, I was essentially telling God I needed Him to make this work. I didn't want to hear from Him about what He wanted for my life. I didn't leave space to listen, either. I just dove in, month after month, treatment after treatment.

What happened with MY plan? It turned into EIGHT, count them- EIGHT failed treatments over the course of a year and more frustration and anger than I have ever felt before. It turned into a dead road.

I was at the end of my rope and I can only imagine God was frustrated with me as well. You see God never stopped talking to me, I just stopped listening. All along, each time I broke down in a doctor's office, each time I slammed my fist on my car dashboard and screamed with pain, each time I fell apart in church when the band sang a ballad- ALL THE TIME God was saying the same ten words to me. They were loud and clear and they were always the same:

"Hold on, I can't wait for you to meet them." 

God knew that in the year 2015 a young woman would become pregnant with a little boy. God knew her heart. He knew she could never bring herself to terminate that pregnancy even though she was young and alone and didn't have the means to raise a baby by herself. God also knew that even though she was young, she was strong and full of love. Strong enough to carry life inside her for almost ten months, and loving enough to choose a couple all the way across the country to raise up that life.

All our birthmom wrote on her paperwork under the type of family she desired for her child was: "A family with a mom and a dad."

Did I need Ezekiel as much as I wanted him? Well, it turns out it wasn't about me. Even though God was excited to bless my husband and I with a baby, He was also waiting for this one particular baby, this beautiful baby boy with big, bright brown eyes to be born. He was waiting to not only make us a mommy and daddy, but to give Zeke's birthmom peace and to give Zeke safety. God's plan was much bigger than my human brain could fathom. Much better, too. God's plan was to supply the needs of not just my life, but my husband's, our birthmom's, and ultimately Ezekiel's. I have a feeling Zeke knows it, too. I have a feeling he can't wait to make God so proud of the life He gave him. I just have a feeling.

Hold on He said. I can't wait He said. And now, oh God NOW- I get it! I can see why you were excited. He's everything I never knew I wanted AND MORE. Thank you for loving me so much God and never leaving me even though I left you.

Oh, and that last word- THEM. I'm still not sure what that means. Not sure if we will adopt another, and I seriously have no idea how we could afford it. There is one thing I do know, though- I'm wide open to whatever God wants and I'm ready to trust His promise to supply ALL my needs. No matter what. No matter when. I'm listening.

Ezekiel Lee Quellhorst 6 months 

Philippians 4:19 & 20 
And my God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.

I Am So, So Angry

Forgive me, I am heartbroken. I am nauseous. Dumbfounded. When I was a little girl, my mom worked for the public school system. Some d...