Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Fear

Fear. 

Fear is a tricky thing. Right now I'm reading a book called Feel The Fear…And Do it Anyway! It's a great read so far and I definitely recommend it. In this book, the author Susan Jeffers unpacks five truths about fear: 

Truth 1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.
Truth 2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
Truth 3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out… and do it.
Truth 4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else.
Truth 5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.
I like them all but truth 5 really resonates with me lately. 
So spoiler alert… I AM AFRAID!
I'm afraid of not having the money to adopt. 
I'm afraid we will get a phone call with a match and we will excitedly wait for months until that baby is born and then the birth mother will say she's changed her mind and we will be back at square one. 
I'm afraid the agency will call us and say we have an almost a perfect match, but the birth mother used (insert substance here) and we were wondering if you would still like to consider this baby. I'm afraid of what my heart verses my head will tell me. 
I'm afraid we have a successful adoption and we raise our beautiful baby and then one day the birth mother or birth father decides it was a terrible mistake and wants to find AND TAKE our baby. (I know that one is an irrational fear, but it is a fear all the same, so I want to share it.)
I'm afraid I won't have all the answers. 
I'm afraid I haven't done enough. 
I'm afraid of never making Jeremy a father. 
I'm afraid I'm getting too old to mother more than one. BUT I WANT TWO or three... 
I. AM. AFRAID. 
But then I look again at truth 1:  The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.
And I get on my knees and I bow my head and I ask The Creator of the Universe, The Creator of LOVE, and the Unstoppable God who makes the orphan a son and daughter if He will USE me. Please, God- USE ME. Bend me, mold me, make me into the woman you see. WATER ME SO THAT I MAY GROW FOR YOUR GLORY. 


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